Sunday, March 21, 2010

Are you a Hero or a Superhero?

 

By Kenneth Braswell (www.kennethbraswell.com)


I had a conversation with a friend that led me to think about my work, life and what I’m up against as I go beyond normal gestures of kindness to extraordinary acts of blessing. You see; many of us do the things we do, because we have an anointing or an intrinsic passion to do right by people. Others do; because it’s simply what they do or what they’re paid to do?


When I was in elementary school and Jr. High School in Brooklyn, I had two people in each that just simply did not like me. I didn’t know why; I had never done anything to them; but for some reason, I was their chosen person to pick on. So, like all of us, I could not wait to get into High School, so I could leave both Timothy and James in my rear view mirror. I made it through High School, but low and behold I get into the military and there’s Stubblefield; waiting on me. For some odd reason, all of his comedic material was on me. It was like he sat up at night coming up with new ways to talk about me. We never came to blows, because in our culture; you’re suppose to take a joke. Unless, of course he said something about my momma; but he never did. Even though we were in the military; at 18; we were still children. Now, adults are more conniving and sneaky about how they pick on others through gossip and slander. In fact, more conscience about how far we will go; because we’re clear about the line we can’t cross.


Well here I am; today; a grown “big A”, “double S” man, in a conversation with a friend as she informs me about someone who; for reasons I can’t phantom, continues to have really nasty things to say about me. So, being the Christian man I am; I prayed about it. That’s best; because what Kenny Braswell (circa 2000) would have done; would have been much different; I haven’t always been saved; and even now; God is still working on me. Anywho; like always; God answered my pray. Here’s what he said, “Kenny, every superhero needs an arch enemy.” Hmmmmmm; I meditated on that and in a way that only God knows how to help me understand; he said this.


Heroes become heroes through circumstantial occurrence. “What do you mean by this God?” I said. Example: A guy is standing on the train platform and somebody falls onto the tracks. He’s clear that the person needs help; but helping could be dangerous. Even cost him is own life; but he jumps down; rescues the person; both are safe and we recognize that he has performed a random act of kindness; above and beyond his normal call. He’s a hero and heroes are great; we love them and we need them. But being a hero is NOT his calling. Thus being a hero defines less about who you are; and more about a random act you did. In many situations; given the same chance to be a hero; many would choose not to.

Batman creates a relationship with Gotham City Commissioner of Police; Superman becomes a reporter for the Daily Planet; Spiderman is a photographer for the Daily Bugle. Even as a shoeshine boy; Underdog places himself on a street corner. Martin Luther King Jr. went to the most racist situations of his time and Jesus went to his accusers. Superheroes!


Superheroes place themselves in the line of dangerous fire. They anticipate problems with an eye toward being a part of the solution. Superheroes don’t wait to be called; they call. They lead, not follow. We watch fictional superheroes and laugh at what we perceive to be their ridiculous and impossible ways of solving problems. Yet I grew up emulating Batman’s preparedness of having the right spray on his utility belt for any occasion. If he was in the ocean, he had shark repellant spray; if he was tied up; he had rope dissolve spray. He was prepared because a superhero was what he was and heroism was what he did.


Our communities and children need Superheroes in their lives. Our communities seek people who are willing to stand in the gaps of poverty, oppression and despair. We need adults, parents, teachers, social workers and community of faith that will go where trouble exists and resides. We need superheroes that will not worry about what people say about their actions, but how others will benefit from their actions.


Now let’s be clear; there is nothing wrong with being just a hero. Your humanity should encourage you to respond to need; no matter how dangerous it may be for you. But we need more superheroes to position themselves in the line of danger. You ever notice that when a policeman or firefighter saves a life and the public calls them heroes; that at the ceremony, they don’t have much to say but; “that’s what I do.” Heroism is not out of the ordinary for a superhero. They expect it of themselves to do for people what others won’t.


Where are you positioned? Is there a friend or family member needing you to stand in the gap of their need, but you’re on the sidelines having no intention of helping. Are you a hero or a superhero? Heroes save by chance; superheroes save by choice. “With great power, comes great responsibility” – Spiderman’s Uncle Ben…AND…opposition!

Posted by Mr. Braswell in 08:07:03 | Permalink | Comments (1) »

My Teenager Can’t Enjoy Being A Teenager!


by Kenneth Braswell

On Saturday night while I was doing a little work; as I usually do, I was watching the clock and waiting for 12:30 to go and pick my daughter up from a party. She’s 16. It’s the age where she’s not quite an adult, but as parents we have to begin loosening up a bit, because in short order she’ll be 18. The celebratory age for us as parents; because she should be well on her way out to college. This joyous occasion will make those years between 16-18 years of age worth the headaches from her attitude, the stress from her wanting to be more independent and the worrying from being out on a Friday and Saturday night. It is the time in her life where we expect and want her to be young and experience the growing pains of youth. In fact, enjoy a time that she will look back on the rest of her life.

Well on this night she and her best friend ventured out to a teen Halloween party. Harmless enough right? Uneventful at least until our phone rang at about 11:30 to hear our daughter asking me to come and get her because a fight broke out at the party and someone was stabbed. Upon arriving at the scene, I was greeted by scores of police cars, ambulances and many concerned parents.

While I was relieved to get my daughter and her friend safely into the car, I was quite disturbed by several parents who arrived wanting to find teenagers to fight themselves. I shutter to thing that this may be the normal weekend course of parents across the country. My “Old School” won’t allow me to understand the behavior of these grown a$$ parents. For a few moments I sat in the car watching this craziness take place. I struggled with coming to grips with the reality that I was not in Brooklyn or Albany (circa 1970). It began abundantly clear that this might just be a different era.

As I glared into the sea of flashing lights, parents screaming and chaotic movement, I couldn’t help but notice one evident visual. Out of the over 50 parents I saw that evening, there was only a handful of men. I couldn’t help but wonder where in the Hell were the fathers of these children? I just couldn’t imagine me sitting up in my house watching TV, while Tracy was out getting our daughter from this kind of situation. Painfully, I knew the answer to that question, but I struggled to accept it. I also couldn’t help but think that maybe if there was a caring father in the lives of these kids they wouldn’t be out on the weekend wilding out.

Our unconceivable reality is that, at parties; in our neighborhoods; at school; and on the corners of our communities; these kids are shooting and stabbing each other for absolutely nothing. And while I want to acknowledge that this kind of behavior happens in rural and urban schools; it is highly more likely to happen when our teenagers are black and brown.

As my daughter and I were driving home, we talked about the events of the night. To my surprised my daughter says to me; “I guess I won’t be going to anymore parties.” I didn’t quickly respond because, while many would agree with her assessment and I too would agree; I couldn’t help but be saddened by hearing her say that. I even believe it hurt me more hearing it, than her saying it. Here’s why? As a teenager I can’t surmise a situation when I was growing up, when I would have uttered those words. I can look back at my years between 16-18 years old and remember all of the great times I had being a teenager. Because of this violent teen culture, our teenagers today might not be able to do that.

On Sunday I purchased the paper to see if they had reported anything about the fight. Even though I did not see anything about that one, there were several other parties where kids were stabbed or shot that evening. Are we supposed to keep our teens locked up or roll very dangerous dice each time we allow our children to enjoy their youth? If she was a difficult child, it would be very easy to ground her for 2 years, but she’s not. She’s a good kid who deserves to be out with her friends, have a good time, and not have to worry about guns blazing.

Our society is rapidly spiraling out of control and unfortunately our children are suffering directly from the broken state of our families. This parenting, single mother, responsible fatherhood and healthy relationship work is a critical work. It is needed at a time when mothers and fathers are finding difficulty in negotiating common ground. It is needed at a time when our youth are looking for direction, discipline, hope and example. Unfortunately it’s at a time when the parental needs for services are greater than our organizational resources or the political desire.

It is a concerning matter for me, because I got two more children to go. I’m certain it is a concerning matter for parents who desire that their teenagers have fun, yet are serious about life. The problem with bullets is they rarely have names of them. The problem with knives is, even when you pull it out, the damage is already done. The problem with youth (sometimes) is it is wasted on the young.

For me and Tracy, we are going to keep trying to keep our children safe from all hurt, harm and danger without keeping her on permanent lockdown. While we may want her to enjoy her teenhood, unfortunately it will be much more difficult to say “yes” and a much greater necessity to say “no.”

Posted by Mr. Braswell in 08:03:12 | Permalink | No Comments »

I Love to Hear a Great Daddy Story!

By Kenneth Braswell
Author, “When The Tear Won’t Fall”

http://www.kennethbraswell.com/

In order for healing to occur, stories of pain must be replaced by similar stories of progress, hope and triumph. For many of us it’s difficult to make this transition. Tragically, our identity is attached and defined by the existence our pain. If you have read my writings about the issues of fatherlessness, you will hear the pain I feel in not being able to tell a great father story. Not a story that I can attribute to my being a father, but one that can be told of my own father.

However, one of the awesome things I often hear when telling my story of fatherlessness is the counter story of “fatherfullness.” (new word; I just made up.) It describes a state of being full of “father.”

(Reality Point); contrary to popular belief, there are a lot more men being great fathers; than not.

The impressionable stories of these men (fathers) are told by children young and old. They speak of the invaluable contribution and influence they’ve made in the lives of their children. Such stories are told in books like “Daughters of Men” by Rachel Vassel. The impact of others are told and seen on public display like Bill Cosby, Hill Harper, Allan Houston, Shaq and many more.

For me, it isn’t just the substance of the narrative; but the passion of its delivery. You see, I’ve heard and even told loving stories of mothers. But, when you hear great father stories, they are often told with a defensiveness or protective tone. It is as if the orator is convincing you to believe its truth or desperately trying to proof its integrity. These great stories are both relevant and confirming. As a result of the increasing conversation regarding fatherlessness, these stories are finding more opportunities to be shared as a testament to the legions of men (fathers) doing the right thing.

I believe we benefit greatly from shared experiences. Yet it is the inspirational glows that illuminate from the stories of others that blaze a path to new personal perspectives. Often, it even encourages us to search for a new reality. Our tales of fatherlessness should be heard with seriousness. In addition, the incredible tales of fathers who brighten the lives of their children is owed the same level of merit. We crave to hear them; we even desire to be them.

So, if you are a child of a father holding in a great story; I offer these suggestions:

Be Encouraged to Lift-up Your Great Father
Keep telling the stories of your great fatherhood experience. You don’t have to compete with the stories of fatherlessness. Those stories have there place, but there is a relevant place in the encouraging tales of men being the best fathers they can be.

We Need Balanced Fatherhood Images
Media should be at the forefront of exposing the images of responsible fatherhood. Movies, commercials, sitcoms and reality shows are beginning to get it right, but they have a long way to go. Men will tell you of the great power of the TV. remote control. Legend has it, that it can change the images you view and even make them disappear. We should use this power to restore the balance of family dynamics and the impression of the positive impact of fathers.

Be a Testament to a Great Father
Ugly ties, cheap cologne and slippers are weak expressions of the invaluable contribution a father can make. However it is in what you say to others about your father that will last and have a greater impact than any gift you can possibly muster. I am encouraged to be a better father when I hear the awesome stories of great fatherhood. Especially when I see its product and results.

Don’t Let a Day of Thanks go by…
If your Dad is physically here on earth or spiritually resting in the heavens; don’t miss a moment to let him know the valuable affect he’s had on your life. Great parenting, but more specifically, great mothering and fathering should be celebrated with vigor. It is the ultimate job.

Imperfect Process; Perfect Purpose
Help us understand through your story that great fatherhood isn’t derived from a perfect path. As we hear your father’s story of consistency, compassion, presence and love we need to know that it wasn’t easy and without flaws. Confirm for us that great fatherhood is somewhere in the middle of a perfect and imperfect family paradigm.

We honor those good men that provide us with great and not-so-perfect models of fatherhood. Your children are a testament to your efforts and in our psyche and hearts, you too, should and deserve to have a place for your story to be told.

Posted by Mr. Braswell in 07:59:52 | Permalink | No Comments »

My Daddy Died; and so did MY Answers! How to Silence the Scream in Your Heart!

 

By Kenneth Braswell
Author, “When The Tear Won’t Fall”

http://www.kennethbraswell.com/ and http://www.virtualdaddytalk.blogspot.com/

In Chapter 5 of my book, “When The Tear Won’t Fall” I wrote about some pivotal times in my life that included the meeting of my first wife and a meeting with my father. However, while I spoke in great detail about the time immediately preceding meeting him for the first time, I did not explore one critical event for me along the continuum from that meeting with my father to knowing for sure that I would never meet him on this earth again. That event was my father’s funeral. Moreover I concluded my retelling of my father/son experience by simply saying, “Sadly, the moment would never come, sometime later my father passed away.”

 

As so many of us will do when faced with an agonizing pain, we place it in a secure box in my mind so that it never has a chance to affect our life. But pain has a way of transmitting when you don’t work at its transformation. When our fathers, willingly choose not to be in our lives, we consciously and sub-consciously build resentment to the source of our pain. I believe, none greater can our resentment be, as it is when we lose a parent who hasn’t contributed emotionally to our well being.

 

I reveal in my book…”He left! He left this earth with the answers to all my questions. He left this earth with the things I needed to fill the void in my heart and soul. He left me in this world to always wonder who he was. He left me without any memories of being with him. There are no habits, sayings, sage advice, or skills that I could say I had learned from my dad. There had been no relationship and most importantly, there were NO TEARS. With him gone again, I would have no one to yell at but the empty hole he left in my heart…”

There is nothing more final than death; especially when it leaves behind bad or no endearing memories. I’ve spoken to so many people about this specific and shared event. It has resonated with so many of the book’s readers. Amazingly, everyone that has endured the experience of lying to rest their parents can relate to the pain of the loss. However, I believe equal to the pain of burying a loving, contributing and nurturing parent, is the pain of burying one that provided nothing but pain and unanswered questions.

In my book I also add…”He was my father and he owed me more. He left me a legacy that I would follow until I was mature enough to understand a better way. Because of it my baby, Tiarrah, would experience the same agony I did. Thank God, she and my other children will know more about me than what they read in my obituary…”

Based on my experience and what I’ve heard from my readers, I leave you these thoughts:

Read “When the Tear Won’t Fall”: I don’t have all the answers, but I have a story and perspective to share. I can’t tell you the date of my father’s birth or death, but I can tell you how it feels not to know. I pray in reading my book you find healing and blessing to the hidden story in you.

Give Your Heart the Opportunity to Say Good-bye: Even if you can’t find a way to attend the funeral or recognize that your father has past. Don’t search for an excuse not to go. One day your heart will ask you why you didn’t leave a comfortable space for it to say good-bye without having the resentment of knowing you didn’t physically give your respects. You never want “nothing” be the last thing you say to love one or the last thing your remember saying; especially one of the parental contributors to your very own existence. I went; didn’t want to, but one day my heart will want to reconcile and then say good-bye, when it does, I won’t have anything to regret.

Don’t allow your happiness to be buried with his body: There are a lot of things in your life that you may want to bury. Your happiness shouldn’t be one of them. His choice not to validate your existence is not your cross to bear. Take comfort in knowing that life is still ahead for you and that this experience will only make you a better person. The high ground is a hard ground, but it’s also a worthy ground.

So, the Family Doesn’t Know You, Don’t Let Them Define You Through Him: His family not knowing you is their issue to reconcile, not yours. An absent father will always have to reconcile his actions. So too, will an absent paternal family have to be accountable for not embracing your birthright. Find out what you need from them about your father, but don’t give up the control of your heart in exchange.

Pray, Pray, Pray: If you have belief in an almighty God, certainly you know that He has your answers. Wait for His answers and instructions. Your heart and brain with coach you into doing or saying a lot of things. But let Go and let God!

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Kenneth Braswell is a nationally renowned expert on Responsible Fatherhood and Family Development. His work in community development spans over 20 years. For comments, feedback, speaking requests, purchase my book and other information: visit http://www.kennethbraswell.com/ or email me at kennethbraswell@gmail.com. Please support my book “When The Tear Won’t Fall” One Man’s Journey through the Intimate Struggle of Manhood and Fatherhood. Copyright 2009© All Rights Reserved

Posted by Mr. Braswell in 07:56:14 | Permalink | No Comments »

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

“When The Tear Won’t Fall” Set to Release on June 14th.

On The Eve of the 100th Anniversary of Father’s Day;  The Book Highlights the Struggle on Both Sides of Fatherlessness

“These are sage words. Besides a popular audience, which it will surely attract, it should be read by researchers, practitioners, policy makers and agency or program administrators who work with low-income families and children.” Dr. Ronald B. Mincy – Columbia University School of Social Work

(Niskayuna, New York) May, 17, 2009 – Most recently the words of “fatherhood” have been echoed from the seat of the presidency to the struggling homes of children who find themselves being raised in today’s society without the influence of a positive, contributing and responsible father. “When The Tear Won’t Fall,” One Man’s Journey through the Intimate Struggles of Manhood and Fatherhood makes an attempt at taking its readers along the continuum of being raised fatherless. Today over 24 Million children wake up without their biological fathers in the home, and most of them will live out the rest of their lives spending very little time with them, or never knowing them at all.

Alicia Crowe; author of REAL DADS STAND UP! quotes “in When The Tear Won’t Fall, Braswell delivers an awesomely inspiring yet courageous personal truth with such emotional honesty that is rare, relevant and necessary.” This first time author has worked for over 20 years in his community. Through the publishing of his two community newspapers, radio career, organizational development, working with not-for-profits (Urban League of Northeastern New York; W. Haywood Burns Environmental Education Center, Fathers Incorporated; etc.) and his vast volunteer experience, Mr. Braswell finds himself working in a field of work to which his personal life lends an overwhelming amount of expertise. Braswell states; “The inter-generational impact of fatherlessness cannot be overstated.  Where there has been no father or father figure, most young boys and girls struggle, frequently unsuccessfully, to get a picture of the importance of being good parents themselves.”

Braswell uses his own life’s experience in an attempt to lay out a clearer understanding of what goes on in the minds of young boys who struggle to make decisions, without the critical and valuable input of fathers. Braswell continues to say that “without intervention, this becomes an inter-generational cycle and has devastating results. Studies continually show that children without involved dads are 3 to 4 more times likely to be poor, drop out of school, become a teen parent; use drugs, and go to jail.”

For over 7 years, Braswell has worked in the field of responsible fatherhood where in 2004 he created Fathers Incorporated; a not-for-profit agency charged with the task of exploring the problem of fatherlessness, devising solutions and providing training for organizations seeking to do programmatic work with fathers.  The agency is limited in its operations today, because in 2006, Braswell became the Director of the New York State Fatherhood Initiative. Braswell is an emerging and vibrant voice on the frontlines of America’s growing responsible fatherhood movement – a voice whose time has come to be heard!, says Shawn Dove; Manager of the Open Society Institute’s Campaign for Black Male Initiative.

Currently Braswell sits on the National boards of the Father’s and Family Coalition of America and the National Fathers Leaders Group. Locally he serves on the New York Parenting Education Partnership, Hudson Valley Fatherhood Alliance, Real Dads Network and other committees and tasks forces. Braswell brings a spirit and passion to the work of Responsible Fatherhood and his experience with his 3 daughters, ages 28, 16, and 10 and newborn son, has heightened his awareness to the challenges faced by men seeking to establish or maintain parental relationships when there is a relationship separation.

“When The Tear Won’t Fall” spans 47 years of personal struggle for Braswell and his story is the common tale of boys all over the world growing up in single mother households. Sociologically the book speaks to the systematic difficulties of a society that has not embraced the importance of fatherhood, psychologically the book speaks to how we interpret that message, reason with it and then more often engage in inappropriate behaviors. Lastly, biographically it tells one man’s personal journey by exploring the commonality of our boyhood experiences and how those experiences impact our path to manhood and further, fatherhood. “As one who also grew up without his father, I can honestly say that Kenneth Braswell and I are kindred spirits committed to doing the sacred work of connecting fathers to their children-heart to heart,” says Roland Warren; President of the National Fatherhood Initiative.

“When The Tear Won’t Fall” will be available on June 14, 2009 in time for Father’s Day. Purchase locations, book readings/signings, online purchases, endorsements and an excerpt can be found by visiting www.kennethbraswell.com.

Posted by Mr. Braswell in 12:55:02 | Permalink | No Comments »

“Are You My Daddy?”

Let me start by saying God has a funny way of placing your anointing in front of you to remind you of the work still before you. I was in the beauty salon tonight waiting for my daughter to get her hair done. Second, let me say that by no means is it the first time I’ve sat and waited on a women to finish something I had no interest in; getting hair done, shopping, talking on the phone. A good man will do it, but besides that, It’s my deposit for hoping for her to wait, while I do something she’s not interested in; walking aimlessly through Best Buy or Home Depot; watching the game or talking about sports or video games; or on occasion my work; etc. etc. etc.

I’m always intrigued by the conversation that takes place when a bunch of women are talking and as luck or fortune would have it, I was the only man in the salon. At times they were conscience of my presence and at times they could care less that I was there. I am also a people watcher. Not in the weird perverted sense, but as someone who is fascinated by human interaction and find sport in imagining the life stories of the people I see. So, being in a salon with women and children; absent men to add a masculine presence; it was particularly interesting to see the various methods of discipline. Everything from yelling and screaming to the drag-off to the bathroom for the preverbal tighten-up!

As a Dad, I couldn’t help to realized and reflect for a moment that my 10-year-old daughter was experiencing something that will be a life long ritual of going to the salon to get her hair done (did).   Along with several other observations, I could also sense that fathers in the lives of those children and good men in the lives of those women was a distant reality. It became overwhelmingly real for me when the little girl of a mom, who spent the vast majority of her time yelling at this child, sat next to me and asked, “Are You My Daddy.” Stunned and overtaken; It took everything I had in me not to cry; because I could already see the missing image of her father in her eyes. At 3-4 years old, she was already trying to fill it. Here I was; Mr. Responsible Fatherhood and I had NO answer for her and tragically enough neither did her mom.

As I stated before, what a way for God to remind me how critical my work has become. Statistically I know, antidotally I know, clinically I know, but this child forced and reminded me to know on a whole different Godly level. In essence she was saying to me, “I don’t know who my daddy is, so what are you going to do about it?” And as she went back off to play with the other kids, she left me perplexed and dazed. So much so, I had to stop the work I was doing and as I watched her mother arise from the dryer; visuals told me a story that gave me little hope that this little girl will ever know who her daddy is.

To be honest, I am at a lost for words. Nothing gives me solace tonight that she will ever fill the hole in her soul of a father who has left this beautiful Black child wondering and searching for a man that will probably never exist for her. Yet she will spend the rest of her life looking, hoping and possibly praying that the next man she ask, will respond by saying, “YES!”

Kenneth Braswell
Copyright 2009© Fathers Incorporated.
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For comments, feedback, speaking requests and other information: www.kennethbraswell.com
Watch out for the June 2009 release of “When The Tear Won’t Fall”

Posted by Mr. Braswell in 12:52:01 | Permalink | No Comments »

Last Minute Mother’s Day Thought for My Brothas!

As I begin to shift my primary attention towards the celebration of Father’s Day, I can’t help but think about the difficultly I had over the last few years in getting people to understand why we are even worthy of the holiday. In my language I’ve continued to stress the important of fatherhood not only through research and statistics, but by the simple notion that; Dads do, make a difference. Positively or negatively; but, we do make a difference.

Because of that on-going and forthcoming struggle, it pained me today as I heard brothas say, “I’m not recognizing the mother (of my children) in my house; because; she’s NOT my mother.” How ridiculous the notion that somehow, you can claim loyalty and give homage to your own mother, but not the other person who is literally responsible for the existence of your children.  And how selfish an action, to show the person you’re with, that there is level of love you are not willing to give. Lastly, what an awful message to show your children about unconditional love and respect.

I cringed tonight as my Mom told me that my brother said that about the women in his life. Granted she’s not the mother of his children, but they’ve lived together for several years and he’s the only father they know. So regardless of whether she’s the mother of your child or not, she is still deserving of recognition for the role she plays as a mother in the life of both you and children.

Why is this under my skin? Because as a father and a person who’s job it is to help father’s become both financially and emotionally involved in the lives of their children, how can I possibly get people to understand the importance of fathers, if I can get men to respect the importance of mothers.

I searched the history of Mother’s Day tonight and no where does it speak to honoring only “YOUR MOTHER.”  It speaks to the honoring of Mother’s period. So if you are a MAN who uses the excuse of not honoring the mother of your children, because she’s not your mother; that if very disappointing. No one is saying you gotta go nuts in spending lots of money to show your appreciation. However, verbalizing your appreciation goes a long way in recognizing her contributions and your desire to honor ALL she brings to the table.

As we continue to stabilize the balance of parenting in this society by encouraging responsible fatherhood, WE must fully recognize what Mother’s have done for years (and still do) without the contribution of Fathers. We understand the exceptions and are clear about the men who are front and center; doing all the right things; but will still have a long way to go to change our overall image as Fathers. Coming up with these excuses during Mother’s Day doesn’t help – At All!

Children deserve the best from all of us, both mothers and fathers. Appreciating, honoring, respecting, acknowledging and thanking are just a few ways to turn this thing around. Brothas; for all we do, we can do better.

Posted by Mr. Braswell in 12:49:09 | Permalink | No Comments »

Being the Kind of Father My Mother Had to Be!

As I was coming into work today, I was thinking about the upcoming 100th Celebration of Father’s Day.  I’m on the Executive Committee for the National Rally on June 20th in Washington, D.C. and that honor keeps me close to the heat of the conversation of not only what’s happening in D.C., but many other places around the country. Also, in addition to the Associated Press article today, “President Obama and Responsible Fatherhood” by David Crary and the CNN commentary, “Man up and be a real dad,” by Roland Martin, there is no shortage of fatherhood conversation to go around, that will go well into June and beyond. Place on top of that the release of my book, “When the Tear Won’t Fall,” and we got the bases of fatherhood conversation covered.

But then I got a quick dose of reality. As I was approaching my office this morning there was a young lady pushing her baby into the building on her way to the Daycare Center that resides on the premises. I held the door open for her and said, “Good Morning” as her child look up at me giving me her best, “have a great day,” smile. As I watched her talk to her child struggling to maneuver the carriage and carry the few bags she had, I couldn’t help wonder where was “daddy.” However, I asked myself the question understanding that any one of several scenarios could be the case, including, maybe he was working.

However, the reality of her situation is more likely to be that she makes that journey every morning, possibly having NO IDEA where the child’s father may be. In addition to that on her mind, my gesture of kindness and manners was probably a stark reminder of his absence.

Mother’s Day is approaching and being that her child is so young; she might not hear the words, “Happy Mother’s Day”, “I Love You”, or “I Appreciate You.” She might not receive a gift or have the opportunity to celebrate her motherhood. However and regardless, each day, she will still have to make that journey, knowing on the days that she doesn’t feel like being a mother; she has to be a mother. And where possible; a father.

This reality illustrates where the debate of whether a mother can be a father has no relevance. Because, now that I’m old enough to know better, I never loved my mother for the father she attempted to be, I Love Her because of the mother she was/is. So, as a man, I strive everyday to be the father in my role that my mother was in hers. It is because mothers continue to hold steady in their position, that many of us are who we are today; despite not having a father in our lives.

So, at a time when Responsible Fatherhood is experiencing an emergence; I recognize that, it is only because mothers have held us up long enough to be willing and able to do so. So on behalf of Men all over the world who are awesome fathers, those who have struggled to be good dads, but willing, those who have not figured out how to be good dads, and even those, who still have a long, long way to go; We Salute You for being the Mothers, you wanted, desired and had to be. We pray that fathers around the globe will find the same commitment, fortitude, vision and ability to be the fathers our children and families, so desperately need.

God Bless You All and Happy Mothers Day.

P.S. Single Dads, we appreciate you as well.

Kenneth Braswell
Copyright 2009© Fathers Incorporated.
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For comments, feedback, speaking requests and other information: www.kennethbraswell.com
Watch out for the June 2009 release of “When The Tear Won’t Fall”

Posted by Mr. Braswell in 12:41:08 | Permalink | No Comments »

Outhouse, Big House, Morehouse! What’s a Black Man’s Expectation?

Last week as I sat in the Charlotte, North Carolina airport on my way to Morehouse in Atlanta, I reflected on the many summers that my mom sent me down south to spend with my relatives. You see, there was a time when my single mom needed a break. Unlike camps and other programs, for her and me there was another program that provided a young boy all the things I needed to keep me safe and out of trouble for the summer; Trailways!

One of my most vivid memories of North Carolina was my Aunt Mammies’ house. A house that up until later in years did not have an indoor bathroom. Having to use the bathroom at 3am was traumatic; knowing that, a) you had to go outside, b) you had to walk through the garden; where you knew there were snakes, c) that big A, double “s” spider was possibility still in the outhouse; and d) there might not be any toilet paper.

As I sat on the Morehouse College campus later the next day, I had two thoughts. 1) There possibility was a time that students on the Morehouse campus also had to go outside to use the bathroom and 2) the current students will never know that experience. As I reflected on those thoughts, I quickly began to think about my next presentation the very next day at one of New York’s Correctional facilities. These men missing a Morehouse experience for a Big House reality. As I spoke to them about Fatherhood and Manhood, I could NOT help but to see something absent in their eyes that I overwhelmingly saw in the eyes of the men on the Morehouse Campus; EXPECTATION.

At that moment, I changed my conversation. What I realized at that moment, was I might be the last man that would challenge their vision of themselves. Those men will soon be released back into our communities, as will 27,000 more in New York State and hundreds of thousands across this nation; this year alone. What they see for themselves will be the difference between their potential Morehouse experience, and their probable return to another Big House experience. For many Black Men, it’s a short distance between Morehouse and the Big House. A mistake or a bad choice can determine their future. In some cases, it’ll just be fate.

Some pathways are necessary; others can be avoided. We must change the language for these men and women who have lost their way from an outhouse reality. I couldn’t help but tell these men, that I was concerned for them; that I cared about their futures. That my expectation of them was high; “no” and “I can’t” were unacceptable responses to my challenge. We must find a way to harness the exceptional spirit, focus and determination I saw on that Morehouse campus. Like mad scientist; we need a mechanism to plant the same expectation in the eyes of our returning men and women from prison. They need to be encouraged to do and be more…going back should never be an option.

Posted by Mr. Braswell in 12:35:14 | Permalink | No Comments »

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Can You Recognize Real Manhood?

Recently I attended a Fatherhood Conference and the keynote speaker was describing how society portrays manhood. It was a description that I belief has a foundation in reality but morally deceiving. Primarily because it represents a image our young boys buy into, but not the description that truly defines manhood. He said that boys measure their manhood against four perceptions:


 

  1. How much money that have;
  2. Amount sexual conquests;
  3. The propensity to be violent; and
  4. Their interaction with Criminal Justice System (past incarceration, probation or parole)

While I found this disturbing, I also cringed at the thought that my son could possibly grow up in a world that might persuade him to believe that these four perceptions might have some validity. Granted; these perceptions might keep a boy up at night worrying about his acceptance amongst his peers. But those thoughts should quickly be diminished by the visions, expectations and modeled behaviors of responsible men who can –and should– express a picture of a more acceptable paradigm; to include:

 

  1. Your ability and willingness to protect and provide;
  2. Your desire to love and honor;
  3. Your adherence to responsibilities; and
  4. Your positive and responsible interaction with the world around you.

Manhood is challenged by your ability to adhere to the responsibilities of the situations you create for yourself. Which means moral responsibility is paramount to achieving a level of manhood to be admired and respected.

 

The other day I heard the story of a man who after spending 22 years of incarceration, came home and decided to call his son. He did so to offer his sorrow, regret and acknowledgement of his past wrong doings. His only desire was to allow his son and mother of his son, to express their grievance, disappointment, frustration and even anger for his absence. In doing so, he created an atmosphere for them to create respectable space for a new beginning. His son and his mother will be better people as a result of their forgiveness and after 22 years of incarceration he will be free because of his courage to step into his manhood. Because of it, his son might now have a better chance to see the virtue of the second paradigm of manhood.

 

I can only pray that more men will embrace and more women will recognize when true manhood presents itself.

Posted by Mr. Braswell in 18:22:30 | Permalink | No Comments »